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Copyright © 2014 by Open Horizons and John Kremer


The Quotable Books Series ...


If God Intended Man
to Smoke, He’d Have Set Him on Fire …
and Other Conclusions of God’s Work


Click on either of the book covers on this page to order and download the book as a Word document for only $7.00.

(sample quotations from the book)

Even God cannot change the past. — Agathon, poet

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. — Woody Allen, actor, director, screenwriter, and producer

If God wanted us to fly, he would have given us baggy, Nomex skin. — aviation quote

Let me explain something to you, ok? Girls with big tits have big asses. Girls with little tits have little asses. That's the way it goes. God doesn't f**k around; he's a fair guy. He gave the fatties big, beautiful tits and the skinnies little tiny niddlers. It's not my rule. If you don't like it, call him. — Gina Barrisano, character in Beautiful Girls movie

If God had meant us to have group sex, he'd have given us more organs. — Malcolm Bradbury, novelist

If God had meant for us to go metric, why did he give Christ twelve apostles? — Gyles Brandreth

If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets. — Mel Brooks, comedian

If God isn’t a Broncos fan, why is the sky Blue and White? — bumper sticker

God is a character, a real and consistent being, or He is nothing. If God did a miracle He would deny His own nature and the universe would simply blow up, vanish, become nothing. — Joyce Cary, author

It was a simple truth; the Creator made women so men would not find life too easy. — Matt Cauthon, character in Robert Jordan’s Winter’s Heart novel

If God had thought homosexuality is a sin, he would not have created gay people. — Howard Dean, presidential candidate

If you want a guy, you got to go out and grab him. Just grab. It's why God gave man the handle—for women to latch on to. Fishism. — Richard Fish, character in Ally McBeel TV show

If God can work through me, he can work through anyone. — Saint Francis of Assisi

If God didn't make it, don't eat it. — Dorothy Gault-McNemee, author, God's Diet

If God calls you to be a missionary, don't stoop to be a king. — Jordan Grooms

Oh, if only God would give me some sign. If He would just speak to me once. Anything. One sentence. Two words. If He would just cough. — Boris Grusheko, character in Woody Allen’s Love and Death movie

Not only does God play dice with the Universe. He sometimes throws the dice where you cannot find them. — Stephen Hawking, physicist

If the gods had meant us to vote, they would have given us candidates. — Jim Hightower, radio commentator and author, book title

If it is God’s pleasure to give us the kingdom, then it should be our privilege to accept the gift. — Ernest Holmes, author, The Science of Mind

If God wanted to live your life for you, God would not have created you in the first place. — Kirk Byron Jones, author, Holy Play

Faith is kind of like jumping out of an airplane at 10,000 feet. If God doesn't catch you, you splatter. But how do you know whether or not he is going to catch you unless you jump out? — Ann Kiemel

If the Lord made anything better than a woman, he kept it for himself. — Jerry Lee Lewis, singer

If God had intended man to fly, He would not have invented Spanish Air Traffic Control. — Lister, character in Red Dwarf TV show

If God had wanted us to think just with our wombs, why did He give us a brain. — Clare Boothe Luce, journalist and diplomat

If God had intended for us to fly in space, she would have given us more money. — Gregg Maryniak

I think God wants us to be prosperous. I think he wants us to be happy. I think he wants us to enjoy our lives. I don’t think I’d say God wants us to be rich. — Joel Osteen, preacher

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to. — Dorothy Parker, poet and wit

I hate Jell-O. If God wanted peaches suspended in midair, He would have filled them with helium. — Sophia Petrillo, character in The Golden Girls TV show

Here are the other seven books in the Illustrated Quotable Books section. Click on the titles to see sample quotations:

The Best Things in Life Are Free: My Favorite Quotations

How to Live Your Dreams

If at First You Don’t Succeed, Try, Try Again

If I Had My Life to Live Over . . .

The Miracle of Life

Playing the Percentages: Lies, Damned Funny Lies, Statistics, and Everything in Between

When in Doubt, Kiss the Fish — And Other Extremely Wise Advice

Open Horizons, P O Box 2887, Taos NM 87571; 575-751-3398

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